Nagore's journal

Week 53
I talked to Jost about Enigma a few days ago. I have meant to talk with him about Enigma since the mission where we were back on the prison island and I was so scared and realised that I missed Enigma. But I didn’t know what to say and how to find a good opportunity. I’m not good at relationships or talking about feelings. This is quite new to me, I had some attempts at relationships and casual friends back at the university in the Capital, but this feels different. Both my friendship with Jost and my feelings for Enigma. I thought first I just had a crush on Enigma. She seemed fun and attractive when I first met her here in Granite harbour. I like her smile. And I wouldn’t say no if she suddenly appeared by my bed. But now I think I’m in love with her, even though I have only met once more. At the prison I could not stop thinking that I wanted Enigma there to protect and hug me. She probably thinks I’m foolish.

When I awkwardly managed to talk about it to Jost and explain that I might be in love with her, he became very excited and wanted to help. I tried to explain that I have no reason to believe that Enigma even likes me and even if she would be interested I have no way to contact her, she has just blipped in when you don’t expect it. But Jost didn’t listen and wanted to help me write a letter to her and send it to her. I would really like that, and I’m very happy to have a friend like Jost, but I have no idea how Jost could find Enigma and what to write.

Then Amets interrupted us so I switched the subject the other reason I wanted to talk to Jost. But first I asked Amets how good he was at keeping secrets from the Empire and he answered that it was a profession and a hobby. I had to make sure, because Samal from the Lion city had contacted me that morning when I sat in the library reading a book about the hidden cities so nobody else could. He wanted help to contact a black market. He wants to open up the hidden city and had convinced them to allow him to establish trade relations to sell their crafts and import new things. But it had to be with a black market, because they thought it would keep their secret, and he had come here to do so and wanted my help. I told him it was a risky plan and many black markets sold spirits but while I didn’t know any good black markets here I know one who does. I thought Ines would know but as I trust Jost more, I talked to him first. Both Jost and Amets were willing to help and also thought that we should talk to Ines.

We went to Ines's tent but she was occupied talking with a spirit I didn’t recognise. Amets entered anyway, he seems to be good at interrupting conversations, and after a while he said that Jost and I could enter. The spirit seemed to be still there judging Ines’s behavior, but she said it was fine. I do believe that Ines has large potential to be a good sorcerer, in the meaning using their abilities wisely and ethically, but now it is unfortunately not always the case. Although, she is already powerful and I do trust her expertise. Ines did have a contact, Soraya, through Nino. We were sceptical of going to the League, but Ines promised that Soraya belonged to a faction that was not so bad and did not trade in spirits. She had a warehouse by the docks, near where I found Jost censusing. Amets proposed that we all go there and while he acted as bodyguard to Jost, Ines and I would sneak away to find Soraya.

Ines and I found the warehouse, but when Ines knocked some special combination on the door (I think 3,2,5,2 but it was too fast for me to be certain), she got the answer (4,4,2?) that we were being watched by somebody. I think I saw them on a roof so we went around to the backdoor. We were quickly let in by Soraya, who explained that we came at the worst time. Just that night a rival gang was going to attack them and as now we also were there we were also going to die with them. This is why I don’t like to work with the League and smugglers, they seem so intent on killing each other and I don’t want to die. Ines said that she was sorry, but it’s not her fault. I asked her to help me and it was a bad idea from the beginning.

(I have later learned that Jost and Amets were captured by the competing faction at the same time but I don’t have any details.)

Soraya had three colleagues with them but not much to fight with as the weapon cache was in another warehouse. When Ines said that they now had the help of sorcery, Soraya thought that I was the sorcerer. How could anyone think that I’m a sorcerer and not Ines? I don’t look like a necromancer like Ines? No, sorcery, even the Northern kind, I let others do. I do sometimes talk with spirits and try to help them if they are good. But I do not compel them nor do I bound with them. I have not forgiven Amets for putting me in a situation where I was forced to use a spirit to fight for me. Even though I asked the spirit for consent, I took advantage of its situation. But it seems that Amets have some experiences that explain his actions and it was to both save a village and other spirits from worse sorcerers.

Then the front door was bashed in and thugs from the competing faction attacked. I tried to keep away from the fight, as I can’t fight, and runned towards the backdoor, but even more thugs came in that way. Ines summoned Ripples in the Dust, who started to shake everything. It was chaos and I tried to hide in a corner and not to cry and call after Enigma. I might need to learn to fight as I don’t want to always rely on Enigma or Ines or someone else to save me. But now I hid behind Ines once more. Grateful to have her fighting on my side. I didn’t see how the fire started but suddenly it was fire everywhere. Ines runned towards the door and I tried to follow with everything I had but I failed. I only remember hearing a big crash and burning pain all over me.

Ines said that I was knocked unconscious by the falling burning roof and she got the help of Ripples to dig me out. She said I was out cold for two days. I think I thought on Enigma when I had periods of half consciousness. Ines had in the meantime tried to find out what happened to Soraya. This afternoon when Ines and I sat at a cafe and she explained what happened to me, someone tried to get Ines’s attention and get her to come out. We got out of the cafe and was dragged into an alley by Soraya. She explained that as everyone thought she was dead, including Nino, this was her chance to get out of the League, so she said to Ines to stop looking for her. Ines begged me to convince Samal to let Soraya join the hidden city. I hadn’t realised before then how much Ines and Soraya seemed to like and care about each other. Thinking about my feelings for Enigma I let me to be convinced by Ines. As a stroke of luck Samal saw us looking for me at the cafe. I explained that our attempts of finding a black market had gone very bad but we had found one who could help them. I introduced Soraya and said that she needed a new life in hiding but she could help them with knowledge about black markets and the world outside the hidden cities. As Soraya walked away with Samal, and Ines stayed with me, I hope that it will work out for them.

Week 1
I have done something I thought I would never do and I do not want to do ever again. But at the moment I felt that I had to do it. To save Ines. And because it was my fault. I only wanted to help and protect Ines, but I made it worse, so in the end it had to be me that brought Ines back. But I don’t know at what cost. Will Ines be okay? Will I? Are Patxi going to die? Have I done something horrible to an innocent spirit? What will Jost say? Or the Lion city? Or Enigma? Will they forgive me? Or will they always see me as a necromancer?

It all started so small and innocent, although a bit mysterious, but seemingly harmless. Yesterday an old lady had sent a message to the Caravan asking four of us, Me, Ines, Azar, and Felix, for help with an old housespirit that was unhappy. The mysterious bit was that she had asked after us by description and not by name, but Inara thought it was a good opportunity for us to improve the Empire’s relation with the city’s population, and sent us away. It was an old house, not too far from the harbour, but not in the more seedier parts we were in last week. It was a large house built for a large family, but seemed rather empty. Azar knocked on the old door and we were let in by the old lady. She showed us into a room where she had prepared some tea and cookies. Good cookies. They had some kind of nuts in them and a spice I didn’t recognise. I should research and write something about the local cuisine. The old lady introduced herself as Hilgari and asked if we were good at spirits. When Ines answered yes, Hilgari explained that she and her family had lived in generations with a spirit in this house. Most of the time they went to the spirit for help but now the spirit had asked her for help and showed her a vision of us in the flame. That’s why she didn’t know our names but how we look.

Hilgari showed us down in the cellar. Farthest in, in a part that was older than the rest of the house, there was an old shrine. It consisted of a stone pillar and on the floor it was old abraded stone slabs. On the pillar there was some food, herbs, and in the middle, a bowl with a flame. Azar tried to say hello and talk with the spirit but got no answer. Then Azar asked the lantern if they saw the spirit and the lantern answered that it was not a fire spirit, but was from below, and only used the fire to communicate. Hilgari said that the spirit doesn’t talk and we should look in the fire. When we did that we saw a rapid series of scenes of us, a large ship unloading, another similar spirit, and a lighthouse. Azar asked if they had a friend kidnapped by spirit smugglers but the spirit only answered by being agitated. We talked and tried to understand what we saw. Had it happened, did it happen when we saw it, or was it going to happen? Someone, I think Felix, recognised the lighthouse as the one on the outskirts of the city overlooking the harbour from a cliff. Hilgari asked us to take the visions by the spirit seriously. We answered that we do and I said we try to help both spirits and humans. Hilgari said the city needs more people like that and I agree, but not only the city.

After leaving Hilgari in the old house we tried to make a plan. Azar didn’t trust Hilgari and claimed that she was hiding something. We decided to start by going to the harbour to see if the ship we saw was there. It was getting darker but we were able to find the ship farthest out on a pier. It looked just like in the vision, three masts and the same figurehead. When we got closer we saw that they were unloading their cargo. One of the sailors saw us and asked what we was doing. At first we tried to just be interested in beautiful ships in general and was told that the ship was called Kattalin. When pressed on who we were and our business the others said we were from the Caravan and were doing a census so we needed to know the ship's crew, passengers, cargo, and route. The sailor then called on the captain to take care of us. The captain was accommodating and invited us their quarters to talk. Felix asked to see the ship manifest and Ines said she needed go outside for some fresh air. I did understand that it was an attempt to sneak away to investigate, but I missed to think that one of us should have followed. Azar and I tried to press the captain on information and after a while the captain admitted that the ship was going through a string of bad luck due to spirit problems. The captain then wanted to show us and led us to a shrine in the cargo bay. It was similar to the first shrine but had three candles instead of a fire bowl. When we got there Ines was already occupied with looking into the flame. The captain asked if Ines was going to ignore them and Azar answered that Ines does that. Felix said that one should keep distance if it goes wrong. I said it doesn't go wrong. Not because I’m not worried it will go wrong but to not scare the captain. When Ines was done we thanked the captain and left the ship. Ines explained to us that the spirit had told her that there was not room for all three spirits in the town.

Felix had to go back to the caravan, but the rest of us continued to the lighthouse. On the way Azar berated Ines for once again sneaking away and doing sorcery alone. I defended Ines by saying that any one of us would sneak away to investigate but agreed that Ines should had brought someone along. Ines asked if it was not obvious what she was going to do? I admitted that it was and one of us should had followed.

I feel very bad about that conversation now. Because now I was right beside her and I only made it worse. It is my fault that Ines almost died. Nobody have really said it, but it was clear from Patxi’s glare. I put my head down in shame then, and even more now, when Patxi is probably going to die because of my actions.

When we got to the lighthouse, we knocked on the door, explained that we had met two unhappy spirits with an altar and asked if they also had one. We were let in and when we got to the spirit, we saw that this flame was much bigger. Ines looked into the flame and got somehow stuck and paralysed. It was then I made the fateful decision to try to pull Ines away from the spirit, and convinced Azar to help me. We did succeed in pulling Ines away, but we didn’t realise at first that we had only pulled Ines' body away from her. It was only when we heard Ines start talking outside her body, that I started to realise how I only made it worse, but still didn’t fully realise the consequences of it. Ines explained that, as these spirits were not ordinary but from below, having three of them so close together would result in the destruction of the whole city if they weren't separated. Ines also asked that  one of us needed to get Patxi as she couldn’t get back her body by herself.

I was worried before but now I started to understand how desperate the situation was as Ines, at least as long as I have known her, never would have asked Patxi for help when she was in trouble before. Not even when Ines was captured by the League and Patxi sent me and Azar to help her she didn’t seem to want Patxi there. I volunteered to run to get Patxi as I know how they are mother and daughter to each other and to which lengths Patxi went to help her nephew. I also think I gained some trust with Patxi then which I thought could be useful for getting Patxi to trust me that we desperately needed her help.

I runned to the Camp and Patxi’s tent as fast as I could. I rushed into Patxi’s tent and while I was catching my breath to be able to speak, Patxi wondered if I came with bad news. I said that Ines need your help and I wouldn’t have come like this if it wasn’t urgent. I think you're the only one that can help and I know how much Ines means to you. When I started to explain the situation and that Ines was stuck outside her body, I could see how Patxi just for a fraction of second lost her composure, which only made me feel even more desperate and powerless. When Patxi said she had something for it and started to look through her books I realised that probably should say something about the spirits from below that was the cause of the situation. Patxi responded by looking at her wall with bottles and taking three of them. I asked if she had more of them there, and even though I did get an answer, I already know it. I’m perfectly aware that I chose Ines over the spirits, and I think I will do the same again.

We rushed back to the lighthouse and were let in again. I will remember how pained Patxi looked when she saw Ines' body. It was the look of a parent that was thinking that they would lose their child or maybe already lost it. Patxi asked what happened and looked at me. I looked down in shame and before I could say something, Ines said that they can still talk. Ines explained what happened and when she said that we had dragged her away, I could see in Patxi’s eyes that it was my fault. Patxi then said that she could help but it was more complicated than she thought so it would take all night and that I was going to help.

We are interrupted by hard knocks on the door of the lighthouse and then how it was knocked in. I froze in terror feeling powerless, but Patxi took out a flute. I realised that even though I hadn’t seen it before I had heard others talking about it when we were in the Swamp, the second time I met Enigma. And when Patxi played, it was obvious as it sounded like nothing else and how it started blowing and struck lightning outside.

So much happened so fast that I have no written notes and only brief mental notes. Patxi started the ritual, and while she was doing that Azar and the ship captain came. The captain had a crossbow and wanted to know what was going on. My thoughts was on trying to protect Ines’ body as she was defenceless, but didn’t realise that so was also Patxi during the ritual. So Patxi was shot in the back by the captain and had to stop doing the ritual. I don’t remember what happened to the captain, but when Azar was sent away to get bandages, Patxi dropped a bit of her facade and showed her pain. She explained that she no longer had the power to do the ritual so me or Azar had to do it. I volunteered again, as I felt that because I had caused the problem I should solve it. I don’t know if it was a wise choice, probably not, but I felt the opportunity to actually help and protect this time.

Patxi said that I had to do a more crude version of the ritual now that demanded a blood sacrifice, but that I could use the blood she was spilling all over the floor. I was also going to read from an old book and she wondered if I could read that. With a quick glance I could see that it was nothing compared to old archive notes, but it was some instruction with counting about which paragraphs I should read and which was Ines’s that I was more uncertain with. I’m not very good with numbers. As I’m not trained in sorcery, Patxi also asked if it was something I was doing that when I did it could concentrate on only that and nothing else. I thought for a moment and realised that the thing I’m most concentrated doing is observing, but then I observe everything. Patxi then said good, observe everything. And I did.

I can not describe what I observed during the ritual. I know exactly what I observed, because I observed more and better than ever, with all my senses, as Ines life depended on it, but I do not have words for it. No words and no understanding.

Week 2
This week I met Murf and Ketevan again.

Week 3
I just met Enigma again. And I think I made a fool of myself. I couldn’t find my word and blushed so much that it felt like my face was burning like a beacon of embarrassment. And when I found the courage to say that I have missed her, she looked uncomfortable. Enigma probably thinks I’m a bother she rather be without. That I’m too clingy and obsessed with her. That I should give her more space. That I have too high expectations and unreasonable wishes. Maybe she is right. I have no reason to think she is interested in me and I hope in something that will not happen.

I don't know. I’m actually not so good at understanding people even though I’m an ethnographer. I’m expected to be good at it because that’s what ethnography is about, understanding people through culture. Other ethnographers are. But I’m not an ethnographer because I’m good at it, I’m one because I'm not and want to learn to understand others. I’m only okay at it because I have been observing and failing and through hard work. And I still have great difficulty understanding other people's feelings about me. Understanding Enigma is even harder. I’ve no idea. She does live up to her name. I wonder if she has chosen Enigma herself or if someone else did and it fitted so well it got stuck? Well, she maybe likes me and maybe she dislikes me, but probably she has not thought about me. Why would she? This was only the third time we met.

Ok, try to think clearly and analyse my observations. I am now standing in the rather dim lit reading room of the restricted section of Gratine Harbour City Library. It is probably just around midnight. My face is still warm from blushing and my heart is beating as fast as a southern folk dance. I’m now alone again and the last thing I said was “I like you...” but that was after Enigma had already disappeared. At least as far I was able to observe. I have two books now in my arms, both given to me by Enigma. The first is actually this library’s copy of Rumors of Unknown Metropolises by Lashyn (5187). She said that I should have it because I was reading it so much. Which is partly right as I have been in this library with this book a lot lately. But at first it was just so nobody else could learn about the hidden cities from it. I didn’t say that to Enigma so it probably made me look even weirder and speechless. I don’t want to risk putting Enigma in danger from Murf and Ketevan. Or the opposite. I don’t like keeping secrets, especially from people I trust and like. But protecting sources is important. And sometimes the best to protect the ones I care about is to not tell them things that would put them in danger.

Back to the book. I have lately started to read it more thoroughly as I can use it to write a paper or article about the legends and still keep the current cities hidden. So I said to Enigma it was for a paper and how I’m interested in old legends and myths. Enigma seemed inspired by that and said that maybe she will do that about spirit classification. It makes me happy to inspire her so I said that I would be happy to read it and wondered if I could help her. Which she said I can, but more about it later. First a short analysis. What does Enigma think about my interest in the book? Probably weird. Is that bad? Hard to tell, hopefully not as she seems to have curiosity as me, and most people don't understand it. Why did she give it to me? Because I read it often? Because she wanted to be nice to me? Perhaps, but just because someone is nice to you doesn’t mean they like you or are interested in even knowing you. Or maybe it was just that she no longer had any reason to keep it. I don’t know.

Wait... How did she know that I read it so much? I went to this library now as I don’t know how to find Enigma but figured that if she wanted to find me she would look here as we were here the first time we met and other persons have learned to look for me here. Although usually not in the restricted section but it seemed sufficiently secluded for Enigma. She saw it probably in the ledger or someone told her. I wonder who? Maybe Patxi… She did probably have an eye on me and they seemed sort of friendly. I’m so sorry Enigma… I really tried to do my best and protect everyone. But I failed miserably because I didn’t understand what I was doing. Well, when Enigma learns that I killed her friend Patxi through necromancy, I will never see her again. And all I will have left from Enigma is two books that probably should be returned and half of the small piece of brown fabric from Enigma’s cloak that still smells faintly of Enigma as that cold-hearted Lorea ripped the rest from me. And a broken heart.

I really want to talk with someone that can explain to me what happened and give me words for my observations. But Patxi is dead, Ines doesn’t want to talk with me, and all the other necromancers are in the League and wants to kill me. I wonder if Enigma knows, even though she isn’t a necromancer, but will she forgive me?

Right now I’m actually the one that is expected to explain things to her. Sort of. It’s the second book, Lady Vahza’s چوڭ خارابىلىكتە سىرتتىن كەلگەن غەلىتە روھلار The Strange Spirits from the Outside in the Great Ruins by Bekzat Didar (4437). When I asked Enigma how I could help her, she said that she needed to read this book but didn’t have the time and she had difficulty reading the old language, so she wondered if I could read it and summarise it for her. I said yes immediately, as I do have experience of reading very old texts in the same language in my research and much of my time as a student was doing assignments of reading and summarising old books, but mainly just to help Enigma and make her happy.

And of course because of the reason Enigma is here borrowing books about legends of how Granite Harbour was destroyed by strange spirits a millenia ago. When I asked her how she had been and what she had done since last, she only answer that she had been busy but that she had come here because one of the spirit she had bound had told her that something will happen here that will make her unhappy so she had come here to investigate. I find it a bit difficult that Enigma is an imperial sorcerer that binds spirits and also a member of the Cabal. I don’t understand how she can be in the Cabal with Tide and Gale and the others. But then, I travel with the Caravan and sort of work for the Hidden cities now. Although, with what happened two weeks ago and other things I’m afraid that I’m becoming more and more like a bad imperial sorcerer. Is there a good kind of imperial sorcery? I don’t know, but I hope that Enigma is one. I prefer the northern kind, as imperial binding seems to be non-consensual and a violation of the spirits' freedom. I hope that Enigma is not forcing them and treats them well.

I don't know. Maybe I do have too high expectations and am in love with a romanticised version of Enigma that only exists in my dreams. And in reality Enigma neither likes me nor can and want to live up to my unreasonable ideals. I don’t know.

All I know is that Enigma did find and talk to me. That she knew where to find me and what I usually read. That I like her. That I have missed her. That she gave me two books, one to maybe keep as she thought it belonged to me (?), and one to read and summarise to her. That I will probably see her again for that. That something bad that will destroy Granite Harbour and make Enigma unhappy might happen soon.

It is time for me to sharpen my pen, for I have homework to do and Enigma is here to protect me.

Week 5
Copy of letter I’m going to send to my sibling:

Granite Harbour 27:th Shevat 5781

Hello Gurbea

How are you? Are your plants growing? Any luck with your latest hybrids?

I’m sorry for not writing sooner. There has been so much happening all the time. I’m here now, doing fieldwork in the North, as I always wanted. But nothing is like what I expected it to be. You know what they say: no research plan survives first contact with the field. It’s probably true for your statistics and experiments in your greenhouse, but I can say that things get messy with humans. And spirits! I didn’t expect to have to deal with so many spirits and sorcerers.

Actually I don't really remember what I expected but not this. My plan to write about the legends about the old Great Cities of the North is not really possible. It’s far more complicated than I expected. I have found some ruins of one but nothing about earlier research about them seems to be true now when I’m up here. I’m starting to think that most of it actually is fiction conjured up behind a writing desk back at the University. I’m doubting that any of my professors have talked with any one from the North, even less been here. I have always been more sympathetic with the North than the rest of the Faculty and most of my former classmates, but here talking to Northerns and seeing their culture for real, it is obvious that all theories about them not as culturally evolved or that all culture and innovations disperse from the Imperial Capital is not true. They are not backwards or at a lower stage, just not the same as the central imperial culture. Yes, more granite and less marble but they build with what they have. Yes, not as much thin sheer silk and more wool, but it’s cold up here and the embroidery they can do is stunning. And all the old Great Cities were here before the Empire came up here and they are still the same people with the same culture, not some uncultured barbarians to save. Just looking after old relics from a former higher civilisation make you miss all the interesting culture and people living here now. I think the professors are fogeys who cherrypicks and misinterpret all research material just so they can hold on to their old false theories. I know that my results are controversial and all of the faculty will disagree with me so I have to be very thorough with my material and analysis so they can find no fault in my argumentation.

But I have seen things up here that I can not describe. In some cases because I have no words for them and in others because I know secrets I can not write about in order to protect my participants. You're lucky to not have to think so much about ethics with your plants and number, but I have to. Not that the rest of my faculty would agree with my choices but I can’t just stand back and coldly observe. It’s not my style, I’m more of participating and caring about those I study. But it’s hard to know what is the right choice and how I can best protect those who I care about. Traveling with the Imperial caravan means that I have to participate in some of their missions. It’s often a good way to observe and collect material, but sometimes I’m forced to do things I don’t like and risk those who I try to protect. I try to do good and not break my principles but often it’s hard to know what is the most good. I try to protect innocent, both humans and spirits, but at what cost? Is it ever good to sacrifice one life to save another? Does the end justify the mean? Are some powers always corrupting or can they be used for good without bad consequences? I don’t know.

Up here I have had to interact with much more sorcerers than I expected. Back at the Capital they always kept among themself, but here I have come in contact with much more. Some are now powerful enemies, some are dead, some are allies, some are close friends, and one I think I might be in love with. Don’t say anything to our parents, I think it’s unrequited so don’t get their hopes up. You know how they can be. Or maybe not as they never seem to worry so much about you. But I don’t think the safe and traditional route was ever possible for me. No, I think I’m where I belong right now, doing fieldwork up in the North, caring and protecting, observing and writing, helping and participating, learning and analysing. It’s not what I expected but in some ways better.

Your Sibling

Nagore

Week 6, The end of Granite Harbour, day 1
This morning started with us being summoned to the command tent by Inara. It was bone chillingly cold and I was thinking that I wished that Enigma was there to warm me with a long hug. Then I walked into the tent and saw that waiting beside Inara was Enigma. I didn’t know what to do. Should I say something? Should I greet her? How? Should I make eye contact or not? It was so awkward. I just quietly stood there with everybody else, trying to hide that I was blushing and didn’t know where to look, stand or do. But when Enigma started to ask for people to help her and picked Inés, I managed to volunteer and say that I would be happy to help her. I think she liked that I volunteered but I don’t know. Maybe she just didn’t want to say no in front of the whole tent and would have preferred a sorcerer. I don’t know if I would have had the courage to volunteer if I didn’t know Inés would also be in the group.

We started by going back to Hilgari and the oracle spirit as we thought it would know something. I don’t want to go there again and I’ll try to keep Inés away as she really doesn’t want to go there. It has too much trauma and bad memories for both of us. One interesting thing about our visit was that the oracle spirit expected me, Inés and Felix, but not Enigma. I wonder why?

The spirit directed us to the harbour. There we found a warehouse by the docks that the harbour itself tried to attack by throwing chunks of ice towards it. I think Enigma provoked the harbour to smash open the door so we could come in. What we found the warehouse I didn’t understand or had words for but more surprising neither did Inés nor Enigma. It was a warehouse spirit smugglers had used but now the bottles and such was broken open. But the spirits had not really escaped but what was left of them was just shadows of themselves. Inés and Enigma tried to explain that it was like the spirits had died but that spirits can not die as such. We found one stone rubble after an earth spirit that was not completely dead that Felix but in a jar. By this time the harbour had really started to bombard the warehouse with ice chunks and started to come close to us. When a big chunk was going straight towards us I panicked and without thinking I tried to hide behind Enigma. But as I touched Enigma she teleported and me with her. I feel bad over having touched and followed with Enigma without her consent. I didn’t mean to, I just panicked and wanted to be protected by Enigma. She felt safe. But I should have asked. And not just violate her boundaries.

After that Felix and I tried to talk with the remains of the earth spirit. The spirit had very hard to describe what had happened to it but that something had taken something from it and it was missing something from itself but it was no longer bound and what was left of it was free? But that it wanted to stay in the jar as it felt safe?

While we were talking I could faintly hear that Ines and Enigma maybe talked about me. Then suddenly Enigma disappeared. I’m trying to accept that Enigma disappears and it is a thing that she sometimes just does. But I wonder why Enigma disappeared after that discussion? Was it because of me? Is she trying to get away from me because I’m too clingy and intruding? Or could it actually be that she maybe also likes me but is very bad about talking about feelings and such things? I think she is an enigma but maybe she thinks that it is the real enigma? It could be the reason why she is not always so good at boundaries. But right now it feels like she disappeared because she doesn’t want to be with me for I’m too much. She had come here because a spirit had told her that something will make her unhappy here and I hope it is not me that will make Enigma unhappy.

Just after Enigma disappeared the heavy snowfall transformed into fire. Or not really fire. It burned like fire but behaved differently. We managed to take shelter. Then the rest of us talked to the harbour. Or rather a representing wave of the harbour spirit collective. From it we learned that two powerful spirits had come to fight in the city. One of them (or both?)  or something like it had been here before and caused the destruction of the city then. And one of the spirits, I didn’t understand which, was responsible for what had happened to the spirits in the warehouse. They had not yet decided if they were going to fight or not. We convinced them that we wanted to help and get rid of what had done the things to the spirit in the warehouse.

Then we moved to the central square of the city, for there the two big spirits seemed to fight each other. There Enigma appeared again not saying anything why she had disappeared earlier. In the square it looked that a pillar of fire was fighting a tornado of snow, but I’m fairly certain that is not any ordinary elemental spirit. While we were trying to figure out what to do Inés surprised us all by rushing out to the spirits and yelling. Had I been more prepared I would have stopped her. Should I have seen that coming? I don’t know, but I think so. At least if I would like to be her friend. I have stopped Inés from doing reckless things before but this surprised me. I must work on being more prepared so I can stop Inés from doing such things. I can’t be protective if I can’t act before people get hurt, instead of only after. When Inés rushed forward she got the spirit’s attention and something happened. It looked like a shadow flew from the column of fire through Ines and she fell to the ground. I was so scared that I lost Inés again without having Patxi there to help me bring her back. Too late I rushed to Inés and pulled her into the relative safety of a market stall. There Inés started to wake up from being unconscious. She was not visibly hurt but I did notice that part of her shadow was gone. Just like Jost. Is this a more powerful version of that spirit? Is that what it does to the other spirits?

It seemed like Enigma disappeared again after that. She does that. I try to get used to it. But I would like to ask her about the missing shadow. And get a warm hug from her because it is very cold in this city now.

Week 6, The end of Granite Harbour, day 2
This was an extremely difficult day. I’m so relieved that Enigma is back. I thought I had lost her for good. Before I even had the chance to get to know and be with her. Before I could say to her that I love her and ask if she likes me. Before I could hug her.

I did realise that Enigma tried to sacrifice herself for the city and everybody else by keeping the spirit inside her so it couldn’t hurt anybody else. I probably had done the same if I could and I wished that I could take the spirit instead of her. But it was still terribly hard to almost lose her.

I’m very thankful for having Inés as a friend. She was truly helpful and comforting to me. Last week I was the one who hugged her when she needed one and now Inés hugged me when I needed a hug.

When I saw Enigma lying there unconscious I could not stop crying and when the gang leader started to ask why I was there I could not lie any more. So I defiantly said to her that I was there to save Enigma and started a fight to try to rescue her. Because I will do whatever I can to protect Enigma. I will fight whichever spirit, crime syndicate or sorcerer I need to save her.

Luckily I had Inés and Felix to help me. During the chaos of the fight I tried carry Enigma out there but when I reached the door I felt how the spirit inside tried to keep her from going through. I was afraid that if I tried harder I would make the same mistake and rip Enigma from her body. So I asked Inés for help and she said she would keep Enigma safe while we run for help. It was dreadfully hard to leave Enigma, but I knew that I could trust Inés and that she was right. I ran as fast as I did when I was running to Patxi.

When we came back with Zoja, Inés was standing there with Enigma slumped in her arms. For a moment I thought the worst and rushed to Enigma to hold her in my arms. But she was alive, the spirit had left her and she was starting to wake up. I have never felt so relieved ever before. I just cried of joy, holding her tight in my arms and putting my head against her with tears running down my face. I was so happy she was back and she said that she might be that too.

She is sleeping now. It seems that it took a lot to keep the spirit inside. I should also sleep, crying for a whole day also takes a toll, but I want to make sure Enigma is alright. Inés, Azar and Amets have said to me that they will make sure she is safe and have even put up some wards. So I should sleep now. Tomorrow we are going to the library to do some research on the spirit so we can defeat it. I want it gone for good.

Week 6, The end of Granite Harbour, day 3
We have managed to get rid of the big spirits that have plagued Granite Harbour. It was messy and stinky but we succeeded. I don’t know what happens now. Large parts of the city are destroyed and many have fled. I have heard rumours that this is the end of the expedition. And I don’t know what will happen between me and Enigma. She is not really the same as she was. Keeping the Shadow spirit inside her has changed her. She has lost a lot of memories and abilities. Enigma can’t suddenly appear and disappear as she used to any more. I think both Enigma and me find it difficult as I think we saw it as something that made Enigma to Enigma. But she is still Enigma, even without teleporting and her memories. We managed to find and rescue some of her memories. We still don't know if there are more that are completely lost. She said that she was trying to keep the memories of me. It makes me happy and feel warm inside. It would be okay if she had lost some memories of me. The important thing for me is that she was trying to keep them. Right now it feels like Enigma is a mystery to herself, but I will do what I can to help her.

I think the events, especially Enigma being captured while she was capturing the Spirit, have changed both of us. I don’t know yet how I have changed. But earlier it wasn’t me that started the fights and I did do that now to save Enigma. I have provoked others to attack me or to be attacked by others, but now I did feel the need to throw the first spirit to protect those dear to me. I have wished and sometimes relied on Enigma to protect me, but now I had to step up and protect Enigma. And later also the city. I also think I have more courage to be more open with my emotions and stand for them. Almost losing both Inés and Enigma and seeing Inés losing Patxi have made me not want to hide how important some are for me and my feelings for them.

Even though we have changed, I still love her, and after all that happened, even more so. We have not had the time to really talk about it, but I am quite certain that she likes me as well. When we two were back at the tavern looking for Enigma’s notebook and memories, she wondered why she had been so secretive. I responded that it is alright to  have some secrets and be away for a while, but it was very hard for me to see her unconscious and possessed as then I didn’t know if she would come back. And if it is dangerous it might be wise to have some company. I really do mean that. I don’t expect, or maybe even want, Enigma to share all her secrets and time with me. I don’t know if I want to tell her all about the hidden cities. Not that I don’t trust her but it might put her in a difficult position between them and the empire. I might say to her that I’m not very loyal to the empire as that might be relevant for her and I’m not going to lie to her. And even if I’m always happy when Enigma comes back, I think that both she and I need time to study and adventure for ourselves and with others as well. I don’t care if she has a dozen cute sorcerers back in the capital as long as she sometimes is with me. If she wants to.

If Enigma is interested in having some sort of relationship with me, we will need to talk about what we want to get out of it and our expectations. I suspect that Enigma needs to think about it before giving an answer, but she might say something before leaving. I do hope for a kiss before she leaves. Actually I want to make out with Enigma, but we have not really established consent for hugs yet. I suspect that I will have to talk about consent with her as at least earlier she seemed to forget about boundaries. I’m all for the queer power in breaking walls but other people’s, and spirits’, boundaries should be respected. I can teach Enigma about how people interact and she can teach me about spirits. Because I like how we share a curiosity and our theoretical discussions. I would like to hear more about theories about spirit classification and be happy to help and read her writings on it. I also like how we have started to protect and help each other.

I will keep her in my arms and protect her when she needs to and I would love to feel safe in her embrace. And in this cold winter, feeling the warmth of her body as she hugs me. Her beautiful brown eyes when she looks at me. Her soft lips against mine and her hand in my red hair pulling me closer…

Alright! That’s enough fantasies for now. I’m not writing one of those books that Inés reads. It happens that I read them as well sometimes but they are usually a bit too much for me. And it’s fun to tease Inés about her reading them. I wonder how it goes for her with Azar. She has seemed to be somewhat interested in him. And maybe even more so in Soraya. They did look cute together. I have noticed that Inés have tried to get me together with Enigma. Maybe I should return the gift and embarrassment by trying to use my contacts in the hidden cities. And I’m really thankful for how Inés has supported and comforted me.

But now I think I need to talk to Enigma. She has been occupied with reading her old memories and probably trying to process the trauma. I don’t want to intrude on that but I hope I can talk with her before she leaves.

Talking with Enigma, some days after the Destruction of Granite Harbour
I have gotten a kiss from Enigma!

It was even more fantastic than in my fantasies.

My lips are still warm and tingling from the sensation.

They still remember the feeling of meeting her soft and warm lips.

''And I think we might be sort of maybe together now? And she likes me?!''

It feels good.

Very good

Enigma had asked me to meet her so we could eat dinner together. I was unsure if it was a date but something felt special with the invitation. The last few days we have eaten together a couple of times so it was something more. So I thought this is the time we talk about us and I tried to think of what I wanted to say. I also tried to decide what I should wear. I want to look pretty for Enigma, but I actually don’t know what she thinks is pretty. So I thought that they say that you should be yourself, whatever that means. In the end I put on my finest green robes, my cloak with northern embroidery and brushed my hair so it really shined like copper.

After meeting her at the Fishing Fulmar, where she has stayed, and talking about chestnut eating bets and the strange properties of the memory books, we went back to the caravan to eat in my tent. I would have liked something more special than the caravan stew, but the city is still in ruins. But now I had the opportunity to show my tent, my messy writing table, some northern artefacts I have collected and take out my northern cider I had saved for some special occasion. For what could be more special than this?

It took some time for us to find our words, but I finally said to Enigma that I like her very much and I love her. And she might have noticed that but I don’t know what she feels about me, but it’s okay if she doesn’t know or needs time to think about it. And she answered that she likes me! That she really has liked being with me the last few days here. More than any of the memories of her that she has read. It makes me very happy. I have also liked these days of just being together, she reading her memories and I reading books on folklore, sometimes excitingly sharing an interesting thing one just learned with the other.

Just a bit earlier she had wished that she could teleport and leave. I thought okay, I will not keep you here if you don’t want to and offered to close my eyes so she could leave without me seeing. But she did not want that at all and asked me to not stop looking. I’m a bit surprised how strongly she reacted but I will happily look at her. I wonder if something with the spirit or reading an old memory has made her afraid that I won’t or can’t see her. If there are spirits that can take your shadow, maybe spirits can take your ability to be seen? Or is it that she has run away from emotions and relationships before and doesn't want to do that anymore? It seems that she is not very used to talking about such things. I think we are both trying to get better at it.

I’m happy that we talked now because Enigma is going to leave Granite Harbour and the caravan for a while. She didn’t explain so much what she was going to do but it seems that she feels a responsibility for some things she had done before and needed to do something about it. She said that the spirit that she used to teleport is dangerous and now when it is loose she needs to make sure it didn’t hurt anybody. I’m a bit uncomfortable that she binds and take advantage of spirits and are part of the cabal, but it wasn’t the time to talk about it now, so I said if she want my help I will do what I can, but it’s okay if she wanted to do it alone or with somebody else. I don’t know if she understood that I’m fine if she also is with somebody else, but she said that this was something she would do alone for it’s her responsibility.

Even if I knew it was just a matter of time before she would leave, and we both have other things to do (I’m relieved that Ketevan and Mirth hasn’t showed up, because I don’t what I would say or how it would end.), it’s still hard and I will worry about her. So I said to Enigma that I will be here at the caravan when she comes back. It made her happy and said to me that she will come back.

I’m a bit embarrassed that I was surprised over what happened next. Even though I was hoping for it, I didn’t see it coming. Enigma had already taken my hand when she said to me that she needed to go away and was still holding it. Now she started saying “I don’t remember if I know how to do this (I was really confused now), or if I had done this before (even more confused), but may I kiss you?” Then I understood, smiled and said “Yes, you may”.

'' So we kissed. ''

'' And it was fantastic! ''

Strange but nice sensations all over my body, but most of all the wonderful feeling of her soft warm lips touching mine.

After the kiss we just sat silent, still holding hands, looking at each other. Then, after a time that both felt right and too short, and without saying anything more, we stood up and hand in hand we walked to my tent door. A last squeeze of the hands and then I stayed smiling as I watched Enigma walk away through the tents and disappear.

'Enigma and I have kissed! It was amazing!'

And she likes me!

And she will come back to me!